That Pepsi Can

It's all about this pepsi can, you see? it wasn't mine at first. i turned out to be mine in the end, along with a pretty sweet deal. I found a bag behind a liqour store, trying to take a piss. turns out, there was nothing in it but a pepsi can and an address to some house up the hill. I've always fancied myself a sleuth like scooby doo, but never like this. Some kind of spooky house up ahead. this doesn't even feel like reality. I knock on the door and a jew answers saying "you have to pay to touch that door." So i shot him. Happy Halloween, fuckers.

Why Do I Have a Brush On My Back?

Jacque was a fairly normal Tortoise. He lived his days roaming around in search of food, eating it, then releasing his bowels wherever he pleased. He met several others on his journeys, a Chicken, a Squirrel, a mean old Badger, and various types of Birds. Though one day he decided to take a different route, seeing as his original one was becoming quite dry. Following a winding path through the park he discovered a beautiful Porcupine, of all things. Never had he seen such a radiant being and as fast as his little Turtle legs could walk he was there. "Bonjour Mademoiselle, My name is Jacque Montmorency." She walked off without saying hello. This blow to his seemingly French ego was devastating. Day after day he tried with purpose strong, only to be shot down every time. One particular evening while he had almost given up hope, he noticed a brush out of the corner of his little turtle eyes. Strapping the brush to his back, He smiled at the possibility of her being his. His heart beating at the speed of light, he walked in her direction with a gigantic, Galapagos smile. Noticing him she sighed and looked away. "I am Jaqcue Montmorency and i am in love with you.  i care not that we have differences in appearance, it's easy to fix as you can see. give me a chance and i promise you will not be disappointed." reluctantly she agreed and they've been happy ever since. “The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”